Dear Santa,
I would first like to say how much I admire you for holding your own and not giving in to the 4,00,000 diets that are flooding the market and for not trying liposuction or indulging in the current trend, bariatric surgery. You are truly a mascot for 'Big is Beautiful '.
I would also like to thank you for demonstrating to the world that overweight people can be healthy as is evident from your sliding down chimneys and lugging heavy bags filled with toys.
So Chubby-Cheeks, now that I have flattered you a bit, could you please glance at my list and try to fulfill most if not all my wishes?
What I would like for Christmas:
1. I want a remote control that does not alter the volume of my TV but only the volume of the anchor especially at lines like 'The nation wants to know'. These days, the only thing the nation wants to know is what they have to do in order to stop going deaf.
2. I want to watch movies where the actress's lips don't keep changing sizes in the middle of scenes. It is rather distracting and takes away from the plot of the movie and my brain sort of freezes at that point.
3. I want a cure for a dear friend who I have nicknamed the Neo-Buddhist: The waiter will drop a glass of red wine on her dress and she won't lift an eyebrow. I make a funny dig about another society doyen and she won't crack a smile. I used to marvel at her Zen-like composure, but when I looked closely I realised that she has, in fact, not embraced Buddhism but has definitely embraced Botox. She isn't moving these muscles because she truly cannot. I was wondering if you could unfreeze her or something...
4. I want Jayalalithaa's cape. I would have asked you for Superman's, but I like the whole using our national resources bit and Jaya aunty also seems to take that very strongly to her heart.
5. I want the brooms used in the Swachh Bharat photo-ops. They are in such good condition; never been used before nor used after the last photographer slinks away.
6.Can I get taller heroes to watch on the silver screen? I know it's make-believe and all, but a f five-foot man jumping 12 feet in the air and kicking a six-foot villain is just slightly less believable than a six-foot man just lifting his foot three feet from the ground to kick a five-foot villain. Get the math?
7. That's what I want for the nation and for poor ol' me? I want to be 5 kgs lighter, 3 inches taller, 4.5 years younger and if you can throw in a few more candle orders for my company, it would be great.
Hmm..Can I also request you to change your logo from 'the Christmas tree ' to my brand 'The Faraway Tree'? You know the saying, 'a rose by any other name...'. I am sure that works for trees as well.
Oh yes! I almost forgot. World peace would also be quite nice. I know it's terribly difficult and even God hasn't been able to pull that one off, but I have faith in you Chubby-Cheeks, since you are the only mystical, magical being that has no agenda except to bring cheer to the world. You don't tell people to eat cows or pigs or not. You don't tell people to convert or be converted and you don't tell people that killing in the name of faith is not totally unacceptable.
So, I have put out some milk and cookies and now I am going to bed. Do come and sprinkle your magic of peace and happiness. God knows, we need some desperately...
XOXO,
A middle-aged girl
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